#I’ll just be here mentally screaming into the void I guess

[dramaticviolincrescendo]

That feeling when you finish Night Angel Nemesis and see the tag is still dead…

[antyoneelse]

(Screaming about Beetlejuice Beetlejuice into the void):

Even if Beetlejuice Beetlejuice has a lot of problems with it, I can’t say I disliked it. I mean, I saw it five times— maybe my fixation goggles are on too tight, but I enjoyed it for what it was even if the original movie (and cartoon!!) are leagues above it. Here are my thoughts (mostly about the characters and their stories).

I was very dissapointed with Delores’ story, as a lot of people are. I wasn’t super interested in her from the start, and that makes me seriously dislike her overall… but if she were actually given more screentime, more plot relevance, and a bigger part of the climax, I am sure she would have been amazing.

I thought Astrid was a brat, and I do love her, but fleshing out her motivations better would’ve been, y’know, a Helluva lot better for the story. This goes in line with Richard— we don’t see him until halfway through the movie (unless you count the few seconds of him in pictures), and maybe I’m dense but that really disconnected me from him as a character and plot point. His only use is to create and then fix the drama between Astrid and Lydia. His character design is really awesome though.

Jeremy Frasier, I don’t really know what to say about him. I liked his introduction but I feel like his plot with Astrid was the most normal in the whole movie, and took away the original Beetlejuice vibe so thoroughly, it was disappointing. Really disconnected from everything else, and just kind of solved through Beetlejuice in a useless, albeit funny, way. I don’t know, he drives the plot forward by making Lyds interact with Beej and keep the family in Winter River, but I don’t especially like him.

I actually liked what Rory added to the story, though I feel like it messed up Lydia’s characterization a lot. I guess since most of the exposition for Lydia’s life since the events of Beetlejuice 1988 were told verbally, we missed out on a lot of what makes adult Lydia who she is… who is very different from the generally strong, moody, but troubled kid she is in the original. Now that I’m thinking about it, it really felt like I was just looking at Winona Ryder in goth clothing. I love her, but it didn’t feel the same. Rory was a dumb jerk, but I love hating dumb jerk characters.

Beetlejuice himself was probably my favorite part of the movie, though he was less strange and unusual than he was in the original. Fun visual gags with him, he’s still witty, Keaton is in his 70’s and still playing him and that itself I think deserves some praise.

Also, Delia was flawless, I don’t know whatever else to say about her. I love Delia no matter what lmao, only one who made me consistently laugh throughout the movie. Catherine O’Hara rocks.

I think the biggest issue I have with the movie is how reliant it is on verbal exposition, since we’ve missed years of the characters’ lives. It makes some things not make sense on the first watch-through, and frustrating on consequent ones, and messes up character believability to a really sad extent.

All this being said, I still really love the movie. Maybe when my fixation wanes I’ll have more mixed feelings, but I still appreciate it for being the catalyst that got me involved in the fandom, and I still think it’s really fun to watch.

If you read this far, thanks! I am very mentally focused on Beetlejuice right now, and would love to be friends if you are, as well. Having conversations about the plot (be it movie, both movies, musical, cartoon, or hypothetical plots) would be really awesome.

P.S. I do NOT fw the Beetlejuice baby I am throwing that thing in a meat locker and leaving it there. I hate it.

[queenamayasimp]

So short story time because I feel like this needs to be shared.

Recently, I’ve been going through a lot - therapy has opened a whole unresolved thing about my relationship with my dad, and work has gotten really intense. I used to deal with stress and pressure by writing, but all of this together has led to a huge mental block creatively.

I didn’t think it really mattered. Of the few people who leave me comments on my work, one of them has got her own stuff going on, and another is so understanding about life that I reckon I could stop writing for a year and she’d still be supportive.

I didn’t think that anyone outside my small circle cared about my writing honestly. They don’t get many hits, the Amaya/Magnifico ship doesn’t seem popular unless you’re writing villain couple. No one seems to care about Wish in the canon form we got it. So I thought I could relax, and just write for me, in my own time. I don’t write for other people, I write for me, but like a popular post on here says, just because you’re screaming into the void doesn’t mean that you don’t want a reply.

I’ll admit that the lack of comments from one of my favourite commenters probably does kill my writing muse a bit. It likes positive feedback and it doesn’t get any from me.

Anyway, to the story. I recently logged into AO3 to this, and while the want for my stories is nice, my muse probably would have been boosted had you left actual comments about the story, and not just demand for more.

Anyway; I guess what I’m saying is, if you like a fic, please give it a comment. It doesn’t even have to be long. A short “I loved this” is usually enough (for me anyway). It’s just nice to know that people are actually reading.

[jolalibrary]

I was going through ghost tag and came across a blog venting about some people portraying ghost as a cold hearted, emotionless, sociopathic asshole that doesn't care for anyone and that he wouldn't love anyone because of that.

Pls excuse me if i go a bit loaded here but i never saw anyone write him like that (yet) i guess i was just lucky not to come across that. But i think people confuse trauma and ptsd with these traits and campaign literally proves that he does in fact care and look out for his team (Soap) dare i say he's the first person he might have actually bonded with and warmed up to. It's just clear that he's afraid of getting too attached and close to someone out of fear of losing them. And obviously he does have trust issues, in alone he admits to Soap in one of the dialogue options that it's comradarie and not friendship that's on the battlefield so it makes perfect sense.

For fics here and out of story context i do believe Ghost wants connection one that's genuine and i think the way you specifically wrote him with your characters does just that, proves that he's not a vulkan but rather afraid of what ifs and everything that comes with it. Maybe it's just me reading too much since cod isn't really too much about characters interpersonal relationships or anything beyond what is expected of them on the battlefield but diving into these things in the fics is a nice way to explore them on a more intimate angle. What do you think?

I don't think I've seen him portrayed like that either... i mean, but he is cold though.

like, not horribly, but i know for a fact (in my head) he 100% can be a right cold-hearted bastard, but i think he has to be?? like for self-preservation. but, when he gets close to someone and lets them in, he’ll thaw over time, like he did with soap. at his core, it’s a defence and a wall. the man has had to harden so much just to get past things he’s been through, that over time he’s just hardened and hardened and now, he’s left with this mixed bag of emotions he’s like “hmm, think I’ll deal with this shit later” and now here we are.

i'm really glad you like my take on him, :) there's lots of things you can deffo take from the game and what we get. there's so much insight into him in 'alone', as well as how he carries himself. he took the betrayal so personally, 'it was on my watch, i gotta put it right', which like is a big thing from him.

so hold on to these things anon, and forget the rest. hold on to what you like and what you appreciate. you’re what matters and your mental space, so don't read things or go lurking for things that'll damage that (we've all done it, I'm guilty of lurking hahah) (:

but, mainly I hope you feel better, and you’re always welcome to scream into the void here ✨

[kicking-mushrooms]

I’m going to casually scream into the void, for old time’s sake.

There has been a lot that has happened since I last journaled in here. I’ll try to do a quick summation over the past 5 years, to the best of my ability. Nobody fucking reads my posts, so this is mostly to have a place I can write about without worrying about it being lost because my computer crashed and so my hard drive has to be been wiped. I could post this on a google doc, but that feels weird for some reason. I guess I like the idea of potential comradely? I’m not entirely sure….

I remember being mostly active here during high school, so this is everything that happened since graduating.

Trigger warnings: mentions of Ab*se and R*pe

I had a singular close friend, and ruined that relationship because of mental health issues I didn’t understand.

Turns out I have ADHD and Autism, and I struggle with mood regulation. I won’t start anti depressants until a year or two later, which help stabilize my mood IMMENSELY. Starting them made a lot of my anger slip away. However, it won’t be until around 2020-ish that I even find out about emotional dysregualtion or executive dysfunction. I won’t be able to get an ADHD assessment until 2022

Ahhhh. I deeply regret the way I acted. I think about it a lot. I hope she’s doing well in life

I was…. Very lonely, and angry for a while.

The timeline for this part is very foggy…. I know I was extremely depressed. I resented my friends for being more successful than me, and I also felt trapped. I didn’t have a driver’s license, or a parent who helped me at all. Everyone else was supported, and had a future. I felt so…. Trapped

I know I stayed with my mom in a little room above someone’s garage….. and I some point I was homeless and staying at a friends place…. But I cant recall where that lies chronologically

my mom started dating someone and basically abandoned me for him. She dumped me off at her uncle’s and aunt’s place.

BOY HOWDEY were they are SUPER toxic, and casually made jokes about how they emotionally abused their kids. They were also chain smokers, and being around them was hard on my health. There was never any food in the house because they lost their apatite from smoking. I lived entirely on a singular lunabar a day :) They also didn’t drive (much) because they were both disabled and retired. This was a problem all on its own because I still didn’t have a license, and they couldn’t teach me. For context: They live in a trailer in the middle of boonfuck nowhere. There weren’t even any buses in that area.

They also talked about sex a lot, which made me uncomfortable because they’re grandparents??? And hearing your granddad talk about “getting fucked in the ass” as a joke is really weird. It could just be compounded since I was also sex repulsed, so it made me extremely uncomfortable.

My mom was visiting them, when suddenly the new dog my gruncle took in attacks me.

The dog was apparently an abused rescue that my Gruncle wanted to rehabilitate. The dog had already bitten him twice at this point…. I still can’t believe that it took a large ass Saint Bernard ripping chunks from my arm before my mom did anything…..

I dressed up as John Egbert at a Halloween dance, and made a friend

I have since lost contact with them, because I am too socially inept to send a message 😭 Anyways, she invited me to go to an anime convention at that time, which I accepted because I had absolutely no friends around me. At the convention, I met some other people that I became friends with! I hit it off with two of them particularly well. I’ve loss contact with both at this point, for different reasons. One of them started dating an emotionally abusive bigot, and started changing for the worse ….I think about them a lot

At some point, I saved up enough money and bought myself my own god damn driver’s ed

I will never not be bitter that I had to do this. Family did provide a car…. Which was because mother’s husband had a great uncle who died, and so they gave me his old car.

My friend asked for my help to move into Austin

My mom’s boyfriend reaction to this was to have his own kid move into the room I was staying in :)

Guess I live in Austin now

My friend let me co-sign, and we started dating…. This was the first person I ever dated seriously! And was it HELL. They turned out to be EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE AF. On the bright side, I was able to deal with a lot of body dysphoria I have, and also my sex repulsion. I still hate the sound of kissing, and anything like it, but that turns out to be a weird ADHD thing so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ what can you do

Also learned what an Empath is from him!

I started working at CVS, which was right down the road from where I lived

If you are thinking about working there… don’t!

I was there for a year, I think?

When the lease was up, I had no friends and nowhere to go. I had to resort to Craigslist. Oh! And my credit card info got stolen! The paycheck I had just gotten the day before was GONE. All I had to eat was a couple of saltine crackers to last me for two weeks until my next paycheck

My mom gets married (June 9th, 2016 at least according to the photos on my phone)

This is the anxious man my mom abandoned me for, and he also basically forces her to drop me for him. Mmmm I foresee an unhappy marriage Spoilers: it is

….Chanthony

So, I found a place! And it was a hell all its own. He was/is a fucking NIGHtMARE to deal with. I’m pretty sure he has undiagnosed Autism, but he definitely has untreated depression and anxiety. To get a good idea of what he is like - when he was looking for a roommate, he wasn’t ACTUALLY looking for a roommate. He was looking for a manic pixie dream girl to fix him. He thought that would help, instead of actually taking medication.

Right off the bat, his apartment was infested with fleas. I diligently took care of it myself, and ended up investing a decent amount of money and a whole LOT of time. I had to shave my cat, Jada! He would go into these depressive states and wouldn’t clean…. Anything. The sink and counters would be overflowing with moldy pans and plates. There were soda cans everywhere, full of cigarettes. Absolute ton of laundry everywhere. The worst was actually his dog. His dog was greasy and PUNGENT. I fucking cleaned the SHIT out of that apartment, and even invested in an IQair purifier. That bitch EXPENSIVE, but BOY was it worth it! The smell was gone after a few days of it running. It also helped prevent my migraines from him smoking weed inside, despite him saying he wouldn’t. Asshole never even recognized my hard work. He insisted I did it for myself. Like, yeah, to a degree? But if it was for just me, I wouldn’t have deep cleaned and organized the whole apartment. I figured that a clean environment would help with his depression, if only a little. Ironically, I was trying to help him like he romanticized but he was to self sabotaging to see it

If it was just mess, I could deal with that no problem. I would help deep clean this semi-retired lady who would walk to my work. I also did this for a “friend” of mine (Tangent: That friend would FREQUENTLY bail on me while we were hanging out for Tinder dates. Then got pissy and avoided me for months when I stayed with a friend after I was in between places because my lease ended? ?? That still baffles me to this day) I’ve got depression, I get how it be sometimes. What bother’s me is his attitude. He would vacillate from putting me on a pedestal and go on about all that I do for him, to complaining about how I wasn’t doing enough.

He was very much a “Nice Guy” who thought that being someone’s friend meant that they were courting, and that by not dating I was leading him on. Things like going to the grocery store together were dates to him. He would give me things I didn’t even ask for, and expect shit from me afterwards. He even asked for Christmas gifts back after I moved out. He would manipulate what I said into his favor. He also kept making the ultimatum that if I didn’t date him, then “All this goes away” and we had to stop being friends. Which, considering that I am his roommate and he sleeps in the living room, it felt like blackmail!

Arguing with him was so frustrating. He would try to manipulate what I said into his favor, or made blanket statements to discount anything I said. He mocked my opinions, and disregarded my boundaries - which the arguments were usually about. His most common response for not stopping something after I say no, or more likely repeatedly saying no/stop, was because I was smiling…. Even though I worked retail, and I frequently smile when I am pissed because of this. He ignored my gender identity. He even used my it to try to make sexual advances? “Oh, you don’t believe in gender? That it’s fine if I come in there and change my clothes with you” Just because I recognize our gender biases based on our society, doesn’t mean that they’re no longer there. He made me so DEEPLY uncomfortable, that I would just crawl in through the window when I got home to avoid him. I have never hated going home as much as when I stayed with him. It wasn’t just me, either. Jada even tried running out the door when I came home once. She hid a lot while she was there. Unless I was around, then she would hide under the blanket, behind my legs.

It’s been 5 years, and he STILL stalks me on social media and harasses my mom to try to talk to me. I think he has messaged me on almost every platform at this point, including PINTEREST. FUCKING PINTEREST. He also will make new accounts just to message me, because I keep blocking him.

On the bright side, I got to see firsthand some of my own toxic traits reflected back at me. I have a feeling I acted a lot like Chanthony did towards my mom, and I can understand not wanting to sacrifice your own mental health for someone else. You are not a therapist, and no matter what you do, it won’t help. They have to recognize it, and want to change.

I think I got a sublet after a Chanthony (Sept-??? 2017)

I was only there for a few months. It smelled like cat piss. I cleaned it, and the original tenant I was leasing under apologized and sent a care basket :)

I didn’t have a car during this time, so i had to take the bus…. Which is all well and good, except that the closest stop was over an hour walk away

I got a girlfriend! (Dec-ish 2017 to ???)

It was…. Interesting! It was nice while it lasted… There was an age gap. I think I was 22, and she was 19. It was only a few years, but I could feel the age difference. If that makes sense? She just seemed young. Not in the youthful sense, but in the “ah, you still have some mental development to do :| “ She had a lot of trauma that she didn’t get into, and was very cryptic about. She also had an emotionally abusive mom that she idolized, which is very unfortunate. For many reasons. One of the things she imitated was from her mom was quick to cut you off, or ignore you at the least, when she was upset.

She caused a lot of damage to me emotionally, because she was my only friend at the time and she just…. dumped me, and completely cut off contact. It wasn’t even that long until she asked to date again. Maybe a month or so? but it wasn’t the same. Abandonment is a big issue of mine, so I was pretty broken after all was said an done. I couldn’t even get closure the first time. I tried asking, and got berated by her on-and-off again friend.

I think about her sometimes… mostly out of curiosity. Both because she was a great opera singer, and because I hope she realizes how toxic her mom is and grows to be her own person instead of what her mom wants her to be

Another new place

My roommates and I didn’t really get along….. Specifically the homeowner, who lived in one of the rooms. She was HELLA privileged. The house she lived in was a gift from her family, and she worked maybe 5 hours a day. That, alone, isn’t why I didn’t like her. Sure, I was envious, but I’m not gonna dislike someone because of that. She just was ignorant about anyone outside of herself. It was obvious she wanted to live alone. She was so bothered by everything everyone did, and was so blind to her own mess. She would get upset that I wouldn’t sweep, despite me cleaning her messy ass kitchen when I would get home from work. I doesn’t help that I also just… can’t see dirt on the floor very, thanks astigmatism. Though, the times I did, it turned out to mostly be her own dog’s hair, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Even so, I was struggling with taking care of myself at the time. I was suffering from SEVERE depression because I had been dumped, my godmother got diagnosed with cancer (and I got a vague message from her about giving up, and I thought she was going to kill herself, and freaked TF right on out), and I had lost my car. So cleaning the kitchen when I made meal prepped was the most I could do….

Even if that wasn’t the case, she was just hard me to be around. Very passive aggressive, and a lot anxiety.

On the bright side, this was the first time I could really decorate my own space. There were a lot of nice thrifstores around that I could get cheap decor. Despite everything, this was the first time I had ever felt “at home” in my space. I also got Tobi, my GIANT stuffed fox. I love him very much. I am so glad I got him ….sigh, I need to restuff him and throughly wash him. He’s gotten pretty grungy :(

Tangent: I never wanted to do physical harm to a pair of shoes as much as I did with hers. I wanted to burn her fucking crocks SO BAD. THEY WERE SO LOUD AS SHE CLOMPED UP THE STAIRS. She woke me up on more than one occasion, and I am not even a light sleeper

According to my phone, I got into my first major car accident on Feb 18th, 2018

I hydroplaned off an overpass onto another, DIFFERENT, overpass. Real GTA shit right there

???

At some point, I got a new car…..? It was a pain in the ass to get because I couldn’t get co-signer, even though I needed one because I don’t have credit . It was a ‘08 Toyota Prius that I named Eiffel. I also wrecked that car when a pickup took the front end off while I was turning on a protected left turn.

I think I moved back with my mom for a while? I remember I took some time off of work as well. God, I was so burnout…

My best friend of 10 years at the time said she was looking into moving out of her parents house into an apartment, so I went out on a limb and moved states

Fall or maybe winter of 2018? I know I was there over Christmas. I spent it dressed up as an elf at work! Just cause it made me happy. I also got cheap decorations, and decorated the place. I was there by myself, so I didn’t have to worry abut anyone else

Since there wasn’t a place ready, I stayed with my Alcoholic brother and his Narcissist, alcoholic Dad. The Dad hated me because I was my mom’s kid, and flat out told me that. He said my mom was a filthy whore, and went into EXPLICIT DETAIL about supposed things she had done. At some point, I told him to please stop, and he got irrationally irate about that, which escalated to him wanting to kick me out….. even though I was paying for cable, cooking their meals, and cleaning their house. He was also pissed that I wasn’t psychically looking for apartments, even though they are online. And even if I did look at them, I needed the input from the person who I was gonna room with.

I got the best car I could with all the savings I had, which was only $1,000. Because of that, I had to work a few months before I could afford a down payment on an apartment. I thing I had it for 2 months before the timing belt went out, and destroyed the engine.

Also, during this time, I had gotten r*ped by my brother while he was shitfaced one night. So, even if it wasn’t for his dad, I would still have left

I got a new car from a very kind coworker

And I am so glad they did, because I lived in that car, quite literally. I had a queen mattress topper already that I folded and used as a bed in the back seat, so it wasn’t actually half bad! If I were to do it again, there are a few things I woulda done a few things differently. One would be purchasing those window insulated covers for cars. I would still have stayed in the Walmart parking lot at night, but I should have parked on the LEFT side because apparently there is an OUTDOOR OUTLET over there that I didn’t discover until LATER. And, finally, I should have caved and got the $20 gym membership

Also, my friend decided to stay with her grandparents. I haven’t talked to her since, and I am still very bitter

This gets me to about the Spring of 2019, when I move into an actual place

I will get into this in part II cause I am kinda tired of talking……

[truly-quirkless-a]

Drabble - Day 15 - Fin’s Burnout

I say ‘out of character’ but this is literally a drabble, fight.- Anyway, you can guess based on the title, this is meant for day fifteen of my self-imposed challenge, just a little drabble about burnout.

Their jaw moved, mouth opening wider only to go to a near-close, no sound escaping despite their mental screaming for it. They were focused on one word, and yet it refused to exist, caught in their thoughts. Fin was internally screeching the word, and yet... It never came out.

“....I love you.” Yagi smiled softly as he rested a hand on the other’s shoulder, watching their head turn in that strange doll-like way it did when they were beyond their breaking point. He hated that they’d done this again, but he’d help them climb back from the mental exhaustion. “...you rest here... I’ll be back soon.” He waited for the slow-nod, watching Fin’s head bob for a few moments.

When the two had first started dating and they’d acted like this, he’d panicked. The retired Hero fretted that some villain had gotten to Fin, had used some Quirk to make them like this- but after they pulled out their phone and his own went off... It had started a small text-based conversation, even as Fin continued to move slightly, each motion of their body just that hair off.

It was something they referred to as a ‘lock-in’. Their mind and their body borderline disconnecting, only the faintest wire keeping them tethered together. Fin could still see the world, knew it was there- but reacting to it was like trying to move through tar. They just needed to relax and recuperate, something Yagi had gotten better at aiding with over time.

Fin hated being like this. They could see him, knew what he was doing- but reacting was a near-impossibility. Their lips moved, no sound leaving- one hand tapping at the air, like that could possibly help them. They got up, legs locking in place as their head dipped to the side. I probably look weird. They wondered how Yagi would react to them in such a state, past memories flickering by even as they took a step, then another. Where were they going?

Yagi’s home had always been spacious compared to their own- they were sure, compared to most. Living as the number one Pro, as well as a teacher, and having his own Hero organization... It had led to the male having plenty of cash, something that never failed to confuse and worry Fin. What if he thought they only liked him for the money?

The sound of a lighter clicking. Fin turned towards the bathroom, head tilting the other way. It hurt, slightly- feeling the muscle and bone complain in response to a near-unnatural lilt they couldn’t quite stop. It took a good chunk of willpower to get their head straight as they stepped up to the bathroom door.

The bathtub set in the floor was slowly filling with a cloudy blue-and-yellow water, a rather expensive looking bath-bomb fizzing away, releasing glitter that would be near-impossible to get out into the tub as multiple jets dumped steaming water into porcelain white. Yagi was hunched over a candle- Fin could just make out the style- strawberry shortcake- their favorite.

“.....thhhh...” They couldn’t even get the word out. Fin felt useless. Here Yagi was, having put in their favorite bath bomb into his bathtub, probably resulting in over an hour of cleaning later- somehow having hidden away a candle they loved until now, lighting it for their sake- they could nearly cry. However, their faint attempt at gratitude caused blonde hair to turn, glowing blue in darkened voids catching on their small frame.

“....you’re welcome, love.” Yagi’s own voice was quiet, his scratchy tone echoing throughout the room, under the rush of running water. Fin’s head began to loll- and then it was tilted to the side again.

“...thhh..” Fin wanted so badly to say it, but they couldn’t. It was lodged, a phrase that now escaped them, how were they supposed to?... They hated it. Hated themself, their warped mind and what resulted if they weren’t at least lightly cautious. Trapped, a prisoner of their own body. Yagi set the lighter down, the click of it on a marble counter nearly too much to bear. He shuffled close, hovering over Fin as he always did- tall, so much so they had to crane their neck to actually look him in the eye. But they couldn’t right now.

A hand big enough to cover their whole face pressed to the side of their head, the palm against their cheek (for the most part). How can you care?

And he was lowering, going down to a knee, form pulling back before he was face-to-face with Fin, just a hint taller than them, now- barely an inch, maybe two. Sunken cheeks, blue in matching twin abysses, and yet he still managed to smile at them, all the same.

“...you go get out of those clothes...bath’ll be ready when you get back.” They wanted to do this for him, make him feel loved- they were being a burden. Unable to truly react, to truly speak- they were just glad he knew there was nothing that could be done. “...would you be okay if I bathed with you?” It was a quiet question, one that had Fin pausing. The gears in their head turned, sluggish, rusty- barely cranking one into another, screeching in protest against their desire for an actual decision. Yagi’s sky-blue orbs flickered away. There was no rush- they could take their time.

Yagi knew they needed it. When they were like this... They still pushed themself at times, like with that attempt at a thanks- it was equal parts painful and calming, an intermix. As the ex-No. 1.... He knew what it was like to go beyond the limits, until one’s mind felt like emotions were hot coals and thoughts were knives. He knew the pain of a lock-in, so burnt out one could barely muster the will to breathe, let alone move. It was stuff he’d learned over time with them, his strange little partner.

“....mhm.” They finally nodded their head. Yagi’s vision flickered back towards them, noting the faint light returning to hazel hues. His smile grew that fraction brighter, lips pressing gently to their forehead, pushing down brown strands of hair and brushing against their skin.

“....then I’ll see you shortly.” A million assurances- on his own down days... Yagi knew Fin would do the same. His hand trailed down, sliding along their neck before it found their shoulder, looking into dimmed eyes that could barely think, barely breathe. “...I love you, Finley.” He let go, retracting his hand- pausing only when Fin’s hand came up, falling loosely over his arm. A soft chuckle escaped him. “...are you trying to capture me?”

Fin’s hand moved, forming a single sign in ASL that Yagi had come to know by heart.

‘I love you.’ They held up their other hand, a half-formed smile resting on their face. Two fingers. ‘Too.’ Fin let go of Yagi’s arm, the loss of contact bemoaned in their mind. Get changed... Get changed. A mission, a rather soft one.

Their quiet exit from the restroom was accompanied by a faint chuckle from the blonde, and for a moment, they could nearly picture his face in their mind- smile ticking just a little upwards, a hint of light returning to their eyes.

[blueseakelp]

i should know by now to ignore my dad’s emails sgjjfd

.

.

(kinda VERY long rant below)

.

.

.

.

hhhhh i HATE how he thinks he’s such a martyr in this situation. yeah sure, he fucked up our childhood, is actively worsening our lives, and is in the process of passing down unhealthy cycles to the point where my nine year old brother is being so violent that my mom isn’t sure she can safely take care of all of us but YEAH he’s the fucking victim here. he’s been the goddamn victim since i was a baby and he was smashing glasses and he was the victim when he threw a fucking keyboard at one of my brothers’s head and he was the victim when my mom had to leave along with all four of us for an entire fucking summer and NOW he gets to be the victim since he has oNLy 30% custody and his kids don’t want to see him anymore. (look, guess who it is? the consequences of your own fucking actions! oh wait i forgot, it was my MOTHER’s fault, since she just randomly decided to call the police on you for ABSOLUTELY no reason. wow my bad i must just be stupid!) i’m still kind of bitter that my mom didn’t end up pressing further charges, but that probably would’ve opened an entire pandora’s box. anyway. spicy childhood with a side of religious manipulation, we love to see it.

context for this rant lol: my dad sent me and all of my brothers a multi-paragraph email about how just because the law allows us to decide not to see him (which, for the record!! i’m still t r y i n g to make it all work, just not going for as long as he would like in a valiant effort not to jump out an actual window!), he thinks we’re still biblically doing the wrong thing, and that fathers aren’t perfect but that doesn’t mean we can just not let him in our lives. which, of course HE follows the bible so well with all of his Holy Undealt With Rage (you don’t want to know how many times i’ve asked him to go to therapy djjfdddxvb). the entire thing is essentially him being all “poor me, you all are making such unholy choices. i don’t care because of MYSELF i care because what you’re doing is bad for YOU 😌” so. and then him not taking responsibility for the divorce and trying to put the blame on my mother (for not making the toxic situation work longer, i guess? idk narcissistic and violent tendencies combined with a history of getting away with anything is a hell of a drug) (there’s more but it’s hard to explain without a 50 page essay detailing my life and the lives of at least seven different family members as well as 5 seperate powerpoints going into the Bad events and layers of manipulation that led up to this point.) anyway, you can see how i’m doing

[lily-drake]

Death

Death was nothing new in Marinette’s life.  In fact it played a large role.  Her friends and city had died a hundred times over.  Her brother.  Her funny, smart, loving, dramatic brother had died at the hands of a mad man.  She didn’t think it was wrong for her to use the horse miraculous to visit her brother's grave.  It was officially five years after all.  He would be 20, he would have loved to plan out her 16th birthday this year.  She sat down and read Pride and Prejudice out loud, only a few tears falling as she glanced at the grave every so often.  She had also brought a bouquet of white lilies, statices, red carnations, and white daisies.  Soft grass laid over the dirt, the sun gleamed above, and sometimes when she would lean against the grave it was almost like she could feel him.

Dark storm clouds began to cloud the sky, and she knew she would have to leave soon, though she didn’t want to.  Dad would be upset if he caught her, though considering how many weeds she had to remove from the grave and how abandoned it looked, she doubted anyone had visited any time soon.  Suddenly the rain began to pour down and it felt like the earth shook.  She felt a great imbalance, but where, and how?  She touched both of her ears and she could feel her miraculous still there, Tikki even poked her head out from her bag with a look of fear.  A shiver ran down Marinette’s spine as rain came pouring down soaking everything in sight.  She looked around, and she kept spinning searching for something, anything that could have caused or been affected by the imbalance.  She waited there for many minutes just waiting, when she felt the dirt beneath her feet begin to shift a little.  She quickly moved away and watched as the dirt slowly moved and shifted.  She felt sick, because the dirt moving was directly where Jason was lying in eternal rest.  This couldn’t be right, this must be some mistake!  Her brother had died, she had seen the body, it haunted her nightmares for so many nights.  He’s been gone for five years!  This can’t be possible without some type of wish.

The grass began to move and shift away, and a fleshy mud covered hand raised from the ground causing a scream to rip from her lungs.  Her body sprung into action before her mind caught up to her beginning to help dig up her brother's grave, and when she saw the jet black hair covered in dirt and mud she knew that it was him.  She heaved him out from the hole and stared in shocked horror as he just sat there staring at her.  His eyes were the same blue she remembered, but they were so clouded.  Fear, confusion, and nothing shown in his eyes, like he wasn’t even truly there.  This must be a dream, it has to be, no, a nightmare.  Her brother shouldn’t be back, he died, she saw his limp body in dad’s hands, even if Alfred and bluebird tried to stop her.  But the imbalance was real, she could tell, and he was affected by it.

Slowly she raised her hand and hesitantly placed a hand on his cheek.  He leaned into her hand, though his eyes were still clouded and void.  He may be alive, but he wasn’t fully…alive.  She tackled her older brother into a hug and began sobbing onto him, but just sat there, head leaning against hers.  Pressing her ear against his chest she could hear his gentle heartbeat, and just for a moment everything seemed like it would be ok.  Then she felt a sharp prick in her neck and the world faded to black.

________

Marinette awoke to darkness.  She tried to sit up and felt her hands held behind her back being held together by something cold and thick.  Memories flooded back into her mind and she snapped into awareness and looked around.  It was dark, though there was a small light coming from a window far above where she could not ever reach.  The walls seemed to be made of thick stones and there was a heavy iron door a few feet in front of her.  Jason wasn’t there though, he wasn’t in the room, she didn’t understand.  Suddenly the door opened and she looked up and saw her mother’s green eyes.  Her panic grew again, how did she get here, was she captured too?  She had visited her often in Paris.  She was very vague about her job, and she knew it was probably sketchy, but could it be bad enough to be captured?

“Marinette, My Darling.  I apologize for your treatment, I did not realize that you were part of this.”

Talia rushed towards her daughter and unlocked the chains.  She was pulled into a tight hug that Marinette quickly returned.  After a few moments she pulled away but held her shoulders gently.

“I must show you something, come.”

Talia quickly stood and helped her daughter to her feet and walked swiftly through the calls of Nanda Parabat.

“What is mom?”

Talia smiled at that, she had always loved when her daughter called her that.

“It’s a surprise, My Flower.”

A few more twists though hallways and they stopped in front of a thick wooden door.

“I want you to meet someone.”

The door was pushed open and there sat a small baby in a crip with dark black hair, tanned skin, and dark green eyes.  Marinette gasped and covered her mouth,

“Meet your brother, Damian.”

Marinette slowly walked over and stared at Damian through the top of the crib.  He silently watched and studied her without making a sound.

“He’s about 3 months old.”

Talia said, smiling happily as she watched her daughter run her fingers through Damian’s small tresses of hair.  With a snap of her finger one of her shadows stepped next to her.

“Bring Jason.”

And with that order they were gone returning a few minutes later with a boy who was alive physically, but was mentally gone.  She could fix that though, it would be the last resort if all else failed, but she could fix it.  Marinette looked up when she heard Jason’s footsteps and her bright smile fell slightly into a small sad one.

“Jay-Jay.”

She whispered softly as she took slow steps towards the boy.  She quickly ran and hugged him again.  He no longer smelled like mud and he wasn’t wearing his suit, and he was….he was alive again!  Tears fell down her cheeks, because she missed him so much.

________

Marinette stayed with her mom in what she learned was Nanda Parabat.  She trained with Jason, but he was catatonic, just going through the motions blankly.  It worried her, especially as she watched her mother grow more anxious.  She cared for her little brother, and wondered if her dad knew, or if he would even care.  She often looked at Paris news for when she needed to go for Akuma attacks, but if her host parents even realized she was gone.  They hadn’t, nor had any of her “friends” apparently as they hadn’t sent her a single thing from the weeks she’s been gone.

Marinette knew that Nada Parabat wasn’t a good place, knew that the people were bad, knew that her grandfather was the head of it.  He didn’t seem to care who she was, he just thought she was some nurse for Damian, and she was thankful for that.  She knew that the Lazarus Pits were here, what they did, how they were made, how her grandfather used them for selfish purposes.  She didn’t do anything though, she was mad at her father for sending her away, mad that he adopted a bee kid only a year after he sent her away, mad that he never talked to her, mad that Dick never fought for her or looked for her, mad that Jason was forced to wake up and climb his way out of his grave only to be practically brain dead, mad that her classmates believed lies over her, mad that her host parents believed them and treated her like dirt or an invisible object meant to seen and not heard, mad that Chat Noir would leave her during battles because she didn’t return his affections, and mad that no one cared that she was gone!  So she trained as hard as she could, made sure that she perfected everything her mother threw at her.  Took care of her family and made sure they knew how thankful she was for them and loved them.  Then when she finally got a text from someone it was insults for being a horrible person and hurting Lila when she hadn’t been there for weeks!

She threw her phone at the wall and the crack echoed around the room.  Her breathing was harsh and ragged and then the tears she had been holding back finally fell.  Sobs wracked her body as she bit her lip to keep silent.  She tried to take in deep shuddering breaths, but it was no use and the sobs came out.  Her knees felt weak and she crumpled to the ground.  The door burst open and she saw her mom there knife in hand looking around the room with swift deadly eyes.  When she didn’t see any visible threats she kneeled in front of her daughter and looked directly into her eyes.  Eyes a storming blue that flooded with tears and made her heart ache and her want to murder whoever made her precious daughter look so broken.

“My Flower, what’s wrong?”

“N-nobody cares ab-about me!  No one cares that I’m g-gone.  Everyb-body hates me, and I’m so tired of it!  I’ll n-never be enough for an-anybody and I’m t-trying so h-hard to do wh-what everyone needs or exp-ects me to be!”

Marinette stuttered out between sobs.  Talia glared at that and felt anger at Bruce.  She thought that he at least checked in with her every once in a while.  She had guessed wrong then.  She pulled her daughter into a hug and let her cry against her shoulder.

“Shh, shh.  It’s okay.  You are perfect the way you are Marinette.  You don’t have to prove anything to me.  You’re such a good sister, you train so hard, and you have so many amazing skills and talents.  You are enough, don’t let anyone say anything different.”

Marinette gripped onto her mom and they both just sat there in silence as Marinette finally just cried.  After who knows how long Marinette gently pushed away and looked her mom directly in the eyes with complete seriousness said,

“I want you to help me fake my death.  If everyone wants to pretend I’m gone or wants me to disappear, then fine.  I will.  I don’t want to be seen anymore.”

Talia stared at her daughter in shock for a moment then gave her a small smile.

“It will be done my dear, you will be free.”

“Thank you mom.”

Taglist:

@queenz-z @aespades @fandomsaremylifeline @stainedglassm @toodaloo-kangaroo @prettylittlebutterflie @trippingovermyfeet @liquid-luck-00 @unoriginalmess @buginetye @miraculouslydumb @laurcad123

[ko-eko-ev-go-ms]

I just internally scream

TFW you double check your stuff to make sure you’re doing things properly within the rules only to realize you misread the rules and have actually fucked everything up so your soul shrivels up and dies

[nikatyler]

Semi-hiatus

Long story short, school starts again and my mental health is in shambles.

Short story long, how this blog will work, some more info about how I’ve been, what to expect etc. under the cut.

The queue will be running as usual (I might cut down on number of daily posts at some point though), and I’ll still do timezone reblogs in the usual times. Vi’s generation ends soon but my posting doesn’t. Remember I have four more generations of NSB and two generations of lepacy ready. I’ll probably do the thing where I post one save Mon-Fri and then one save at the weekends.

I also have some stuff in my drafts, so I will post that from time to time, I might make new posts at the weekends, but...that’s pretty much it? I won’t really be here. I won’t be catching up on your posts too often, I won’t be answering WCIFs, I’ll be answering asks late (if I get any I mean), I probably won’t participate in many tags and games and things like that, and I’ll be turning anon off. I’m sorry.

I’m also sorry because to some of you I promised I’d do some things, make some sims etc, and I was going to but I just didn’t and I’m sorry about that. Yes, I had time to do it but I pretty much only played one save because I’ve been miserable and couldn’t do anything else. I know, I know, whenever I come here, I’m joking, I look like I’m in a good mood, but I’m not, and the way things have been lately, I know I’ve become really unreliable. So yeah, sorry.

This will most likely be my last semester in uni (thank god). I don’t think I can make it, honestly. I’m tired. Of everything. I don’t know how much longer I can take this. I’m also tired of just not understanding what the fuck is going on with others. My social skills are basically nonexistent. I don’t know how to talk to people, how to maintain relationships, I don’t trust anyone because when I still did, people took advantage of me...it’s been really fun, basically. These three years have ruined me and the pandemic was just the cherry on top. And I’m tired of people being like, yeah you’re just exaggerating, it’s not that bad, stop worrying. I wonder what will have to happen to prove that I’m struggling the way I’ve never struggled before. No one believes me that it got bad. I guess it’s my fault too, because I usually hide it really well.

So yeah, before I get too sad, I think that’s it? Thanks for reading (or sorry you had to read through all that). I’ll still be screaming into the void on twitter from time to time. You probably won’t catch me on discord anymore because I’ve been gone for too long, I feel awkward using it now, and going back to the servers I’m in, so...but yeah, I’ll be on twitter, and I might scream into the void here on tumblr too. I’ll probably be back in full force in summer, or at least I hope.

Stay safe and don’t go out in the sun if you’re a vampire. You know how it is.

❤

[fvrxdrm]

Last Night (Leon Kennedy x Reader)

Pairing: Infinite Darkness!Leon x GN!Reader

Warning(s): Implied sex

This is about a dream I had a few nights ago. I added a few things at the end bc the ending in my dream didn’t make sense but I’ll explain it later at the end notes.

*****

“Ugh! She’s a fucking headache!”

The coolness of the air conditioning in the briefing room dried up the remaining sweat on your back and forehead and your hands went disgustingly sticky with the clamminess clinging into your palm. Fatigued and dozy you were, you were sure you were going to pass out right there in your seat.

You, along with your partner, Leon, were tasked to save Ashley Graham again, this time in a more urban part of Italy. When the president told you about her getting kidnapped again, you legit rolled your eyes and Leon nudged your side when he saw the subtle gesture you displayed. Had Leon had the audacity to disrespect people who had higher power than him in his line of work, he would’ve flipped the president off and took the both of you to a nearby bar. He wasn’t like that though, much to your dismay. He still had that “mama’s boy” attitude in him even when he left some of it during his “rookie day” or night or something.

You were close to rioting that time. They were going to send you to that fucking mission again with only the two of you and hand you both shitty-ass pistols with ten fucking bullets. Who the fuck does that? Wouldn’t you send the whole team if you, the president of the United fucking States, had a daughter that’s been kidnapped? Also, why the fuck didn’t they enhance the fucking security level? Hello? Parenting 101?

Leon crashed onto the couch beside you, making you bounce a bit, before shaking his hair from the grease and dampness his locks held. “Agreed. I might’ve lost my ears right there…again,” he grunted as he stretched his arms above his head and managed to pop a few joints in the process. “Wanna grab a few drinks after this?”

With your head leaned against the back of the couch, you turned to look at your friend with jaded eyes and a lazy smile. You nodded in response and slapped a hand on his thigh. “Sure.”

*****

You may or may not have had one too many drinks and danced around like a fucking worm on crack. Leon had one of his arms wrapped around your waist and a glass of whiskey in his free hand as he ground against your skirt-clad ass while you responded back with the same enthusiasm as him. Both of you were drunk, that’s for sure. Not only with pure intoxication, but also with a sinful desire; something you two unknowingly shared on nights where fingers worked their magic to bring you both to a blissful high. You knew they weren’t enough to satisfy your wants, but they were enough to calm your racing thoughts temporarily instead of committing to a one-time thing and bringing awkwardness in the atmosphere, at least you thought it would’ve been a one-time thing.

Leon whispered naughty things into your ear, things he wouldn’t have said had he been conscious enough to stop himself from making a move, and boldly dipped a finger in your skirt and rubbed your pussy through your underwear. He was going to make love to you, he said, and he would make sure that you would be his. You bit your lip as you moaned at his words. He was hot and you would gladly let him fuck you anytime, anywhere. And so, you agreed.

*****

Ring. Ring. Ring.

The provoking sound of your phone pulled you away from your dream. Your fantasy was so close to getting to the good part. Leon was about to fucking kiss you and then somebody decided to fucking wake you up! You sighed. If somebody woke you up this early then you guessed it was really important. So, despite being piqued and groggy from the sudden sound, you picked your phone up from the night stand beside your bed, not even thinking about how different your room looked, and checked the time before answering the call. “Hello?” You spoke, your voice raspy and your throat feeling like a thousand knives were stabbed into it. You also took note of how your head felt like you were banging it against the wall with so much speed and vigor and attempted to ease it down with a simple massage but to no avail.

“Morning, Y/N!”, the voice from the other line boomed, causing your agonizing condition to aggravate even more.

Ashley

You groaned at the contrasting enthusiasm the girl had and you had to slam the phone on the mattress to ground yourself and keep you from dying. “Can you keep your voice down? I have a headache right now and it would be much appreciated if you could calm down,” you said after bringing your device back to your ear.

“Oh, sorry. I was just going to ask if you could meet me in the church later? I wanted to talk to you about something while we get everything set for my wedding tomorrow. I tried calling Leon, but he wouldn’t answer. Can you do me a favor of telling him about it too?”

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll call him.”

“Thanks, Y/N! I’ll see you later,” she said. The call ended with a series of beeps and you slammed your phone on the bed again with your eyes shut tight in irritation.

I cannot deal with that girl again. Especially now that I’m hungover… But who am I to deny the president’s fucking daughter…?

You sighed.

Welp, time to call Leon.

You raised your phone up parallel to your face and was about to press Leon’s saved contact name when you suddenly felt an arm wrap around your torso. Your heart pounded. With eyes opened wide and brain waking up from its slumber in an instant, you slowly turned your head towards your left and almost screamed at what you saw…or rather who you saw.

Leon.

His chest was exposed to the warmth of the morning air, hair strands clamped together by oil and sweat that was starting to form on his skin. He was still deep in his slumber and you noticed how the round bulge tucked in his eyelids moved around as if he was exploring something in his dream.

Never had you and Leon shared a bed together. Those times where he would come over to your place for a drink? He would always insist that he could just crash into your couch in order to avoid invading your privacy.

You panicked at the situation you were in. You grabbed the hem of your blanket and yanked it up to check if anything did happen, and surprise, surprise; something did. You were both naked and you felt something drying up down there. You also started taking notice of how your vagina felt sore from probably getting pounded and fucked silly last night-

Oh, right! Last night.

You vaguely remembered how Leon touched your body while you two were getting drunk. You two were getting a bit too flirty and began groping each other here and there, getting more and more suggestive as minutes passed, pie-eyed and unconscious with how you were treating each other as more than friends.

Every corner and every wall your eyes passed was becoming a void of something dark, something you became anxious of. What happened would forever change your friendship and your relationship with him for sure. Hell, you weren’t even sure if he was going to stay by your side starting from when he wakes up in a few minutes. And as much as you wanted to go back and prevent that from happening, you couldn’t, and you had to face the music whether you liked or not.

*****

Sure enough, when you woke Leon up, everything was awkward. No words were exchange from when you prepared for the day, breakfast, and until Leon drove you both to the location Ashley had told you to go to. The silence rose hysteria in both of your minds. You were going fucking crazy. You were fidgety when you sat beside Leon in the passenger seat and the man would bounce his leg up and down when you hit a red light. You both were trying to avoid taking a glance at each other, but those inevitable moments that you did, you would forcefully smile at each other and then gaze back out the window again. That was the cycle you lived on for a few hours and you decided to let it stay like that until one of you broke the atmosphere.

You waited inside the church as you were told. It was only the two of you inside but you acted like a handful of people were sitting beside you with the amount of space that was left unfilled between you. You were biting your lip and focusing on the pillars and stones that made up the building until you couldn’t process anything that was happening anymore and stood up, studying the interior as you roamed. “Hey,” you heard somebody whisper behind you. You looked down to your wrist when you felt something warm and saw a fairly large hand loosely gripping onto it before looking up to see Leon’s eyes gazing into yours. You nearly got lost in them but thankfully, he spoke before you got stuck into your own stupor. “I just wanna say… I’m sorry. I-it’s not gonna change everything that happened but I don’t want to break what we have. I value you and our friendship too much for me to let it go. I don’t think we can forget about last night but if it makes you feel better…I-I-“

“Can we talk about this outside? I don’t think it’s appropriate for us to talk about it here,” you chuckled. Leon nodded in agreement before leading you out to where a garden caught your attention. “Listen Leon, I know we can’t just pretend nothing happened but… I don’t wanna let go of this either. I value this as much as you do and it would be crazy stupid for me just to just hate you for something we weren’t even conscious about or something,” you said. You both laughed in relief as the weight on your shoulders dissipated into thin air before you placed a gentle palm on his cheek. Again, no words were shared but this time, no anxiety was present. Instead, you felt like this was an intimate moment only the two of you shared. Something was being written in the stars and you saw every word the gods wrote in the eyes of the person in front of you both.

As cheesy as it sounded, you two felt like magnets were pulling you towards each other, physically and mentally, and in a matter of seconds, you found your lips being pressed against Leon’s.

It was like you were recreating what happened last night without even knowing the details, except this was slower, more sensual, and certainly more emotional, and you couldn’t help the tears that flowed freely against your cheeks.

“Come on, let’s ditch Ashley. Maybe we could relive what happened last night?”

*****

Okay, so in my dream, Ashley’s not getting married and she didn’t call me. Instead, what happened was after the bar scene, Leon and I got teleported in front of the altar and just fucking talked. And then we walked outside and what happened in the end of this fic happened in my dream. Lol.

I rushed this bc I’m tired.

[keorami]

I guess some people liked my previous post about c!Dream's diary so I can post more? At the very worst I'll be screaming into the void which is not that bad honestly It's mostly Syndicate shenanigans featuring Dream. There's a lot of crack, some fluff and little angst, as I think we all need a break right now. Enjoy!

It's kind of long, so I'll put it under a Read More! How did I write this much...

While he feels comfortable enough to laugh around Techno, Dream is too scared to make... any noise really, around the rest of the Syndicate. So the only way he communicates is through a notepad.

He's allowed in the Syndicate meeting since currently they're trying to destroy the prison and he knows the most about it ("I already gave you the plans, Tech, do I really need to-" "Yes.") but he doesn't contribute that much. At most he'll add a detail that he remembered but otherwise it's like he's not even there.

And if you know how the Syndicate really is, you know that they don't stay serious for long. They're basically a more dangerous than average book club.

"Okay, we have a plan. Now we get to the fun part."

The fun part, as Dream would soon discover, is not actually enacting said plan, but actually a... tea party?

No seriously, Niki pulled out some freshly baked cookies, Phil apparently had some tea boiling (when???) and Techno and Ranboo were chatting about... something. He doesn't want to listen in and risk being seen as suspicious. He's on thin enough ice already.

So he just observes.

It's been a while seen he's seen people so... casually. Like friends. He's not Techno's friend. Is he?

It reminds him of what he wanted to achieve. 'One big, happy family'... Look how that turned out.

...He doesn't think now is the right time to throw himself a pity party. He brought this upon himself.

When he zones back in, Techno and Ranboo are now having a heated argument about something and he tries his best (and fails) not to flinch. Maybe the pity party is not such a bad idea anymore.

"Ranboo, I ask this in the nicest way possible, but what the hell is wrong with you?"

"Excuse you! I'm normal! You're the weird one!"

W-Would it be rude if he just... left? Maybe they wouldn't even notice?

"I'm the weird one for eating pasta properly?!"

"Everyone knows you're supposed to eat it with a straw!"

...Pasta. They were arguing about pasta. He should have expected this, the Syndicate seems to be passionate about the stupidest stuff, of course they'd have a debate over the right way to eat pasta. That calms him down... slightly. They're still too loud.

Then he replays what he just heard.

Who the fuck eats pasta with a straw?

Well, Ranboo apparently. He can't imagine- actually, maybe...

Oh Prime. The mental image should not be that funny. Ranboo slurping up spaghetti with a straw should not be that funny. Why is it so funny? What had his sense of humor become? Did he ever have one in the first place? He can't help the giggles that escape him.

It's only when everyone freezes and looks at him that he realised what he had just done.

Oh no.

Did he fuck up? Are they angry? Will he get kicked out?

"See? Even Dream finds it ridiculous!"

They... didn't even comment on it. Is that a good thing?

"Ranboo, I'm sorry but no one eats pasta like that."

"Not you too Niki!"

There's a warm cup of tea set in front of him. It has a nice, floral scent that instantly soothes his nerves.

"Here you go mate."

He looks up at Phil who gives him a warm smile in return. It's weird to see that kind of expression directed at him... but in a good way? He thinks?

Niki slides the cookie tray his way and, after a bit of hesitation, he takes one from the bunch. It smells really good... Niki had always liked baking, didn't she? Why is he remembering this now?

He nibbles on his cookie as he watches the argument go from pasta to Ranboo's... interesting... attempt at baking a cake. Which he brought with him, for some reason. Even Dream with his limited knowledge in cooking can tell that it won't taste good. Well, that, and Niki looks absolutely horrified.

"Ranboo! What is that?"

"...My cake?"

He hears Phil mumble an "Is it even a cake at this point...?" that he can't help but agree with. How much frosting did he put on that thing...?

"Oh come on guys, at least try it!"

Niki's face makes it abundantly clear that she won't even touch the thing, Phil is all of a sudden too busy drinking his tea at the slowest pace possible to avoid answering, and Techno...

"No offence, but I'd rather give up potatoes for a month."

Ouch.

And that left him. To be honest, he doesn't want to eat it either, but... they're already doing so much for him, letting him live in the arctic after breaking him out, and they have been the only people treating him decently in a while. He can't say no.

So he meekly raises his hand, and prepares for the worst.

"...Thanks Dream!"

Dream can't tell if Ranboo is happy about someone willing to try his "cake", or getting to kill Dream with it. Well, there can't be a death worse than bleeding out all alone in an obsidian cell right?

Ranboo cuts a piece... which immediately falls over under the weight of the frosting. Dream can tell he's not about to have a good time. Phil and Niki look at him in sympathy.

He picks up the spoon of frosting cake and is about to put it in his mouth when a hand slaps it away. He jumps.

"Sorry." Comes the surprisingly genuine apology from Technoblade. "But I'm not letting you die like this after all the trouble we went through to get you out."

He was joking about the "better way to die" part, you know? Now he's getting genuinely worried.

'It's fine, really, it's just a cake.'

"Dream, I appreciate your sense of senseless sacrifice but this "cake" is just an abomination."

"Hey!"

...At least it can't be worse than poisonous potatoes? He barely remembers what frosting tastes like but it's probably true.

"Dude- okay you know what, give that to me."

He can't, because Techno snatches it away from him anyway. Rude...

"If I eat this and die I'm haunting you Ranboo."

"Wouldn't you still have two canon lives left at worst?"

'I thought Technoblade never dies?'

"I gotta be dramatic, don't ruin the moment."

Dream lets out a quiet snort, and he hopes nobody caught that. If Techno wants to eat the cake in his stead, he can't really stop him.

Dream watches as Techno's face morphs into one of disgust as soon as he puts the spoon in his mouth, and can't stop himself from erupting in his famous tea kettle wheeze. The others laugh with him, and even if the laughter makes his whole body shake and hurts his ribs, he's never felt more at peace.

[realcube]

rq; could you possibly write a one shot about the reader having AD(H)D and has a really hard time focusing on core academics (math, science, english, history) because they feel scared about stimming and/or fidgeting in front of people and so they ask tamaki for help?

tw; very mild angst, fluff, stimming, i use the word ‘embrassing’ too much, swearing

words; 2.7k

it only took a moment of skimming over your latest progress report for you to understand the situation.

you continued to thrive in practical subjects like physical education, graphic design and manufacturing — the three main reasons you managed to secure your spot in the support course — but your core subjects seemed to be lacking.

for the last two years, you managed to score flying colours in all your subjects. but now, it was starting to appear as though your golden era was coming to a close. what was once a report with only scores greater than 90%, was now a range of totals anywhere from 90 to 50%.

this meant you were still passing all of your classes but these grades were only indications of how you were doing now; you knew that if you continued to struggle in all of your core courses, you might not finish your third year of UA highschool.

you simply wouldn't allow for your grades to decline further, so like any good student would, you made a list of ways you could improve.

number one was, of course, study more. however, you were almost certain that discipline and diligence aren't the causes of the issue.

number two was to ask for help from your teacher and although this was a completely valid option, you still felt like the problem ran deeper than your ability to comprehend the material. after all, you had made it this far without having to do so.

before you could even ponder number three, your pen ran out of ink. with a huff, you reach out to grab a new one from your pencil case, until you noticed that in the spot where your pencil case usually sits on your desk, there was nothing.

it was as though the void had caused all your memories of yesterday to come crashing down on you in an instant; it was almost nauseating. yet it, ironically, provided some clarity as to the location of your stationary.

two days ago, after school, you paid a visit to tamaki's house to deliver the gear he had commissioned. however, what was initially meant to be a casual interaction, somehow turned into a game of pictionary (with mirio and nejire there too, of course), for which you needed to bring your pencil case out of your bag. amidst your awkward goodbyes, you must've forgotten to put it back into your bag, hence your pencil case is probably lying dejected on tamaki's coffee table.

this left you with no choice but to throw on your jacket and begin your journey to tamaki's house. fortunately, he only lived a bus ride away from your home, yet you still mentally rebuked yourself for the whole length of aforementioned bus ride due to the fact that every time you would interact with tamaki, it felt like you were digging a deeper grave for yourself.

partially because you always found yourself oversharing with him — not that it was a one-sided ordeal — and you couldn't begin to explain why; he kinda just had a comforting aura about him. albeit you haven’t said anything embarrassing yet but the possibility of that happening was way too large. plus taking into consideration your complicated feelings for each other, leaving your pencil case at his house was a disaster waiting to occur.

or perhaps you were overthinking it. either way, you were now standing in front of his door with your school uniform and backpack on during a saturday afternoon because you had no idea what else to wear.

after ringing the doorbell, you stood as a patient statue in the cold until tamaki reluctantly opened the door and only poked his head out. “hello?”

emphasis on ‘only’, because he was truly committed to not allowing you to see him in his casual-wear, for some reason. a part of him reasoned that there was no way you would expect him to be wearing his school uniform on a saturday, but the majority of his brain was screaming about how he had to hide his clothes from you at all costs. especially since he was wearing socks, comfy trackpants and — most shamefully — a sweater with a small octopus design on it. and what would you think of him if you saw that his choice in loungewear was so childish?! it would be utterly humiliating.

completely unaware that tamaki was having a crisis behind the door, you pulled your most authentic smile and said the line you had been rehearing on the bus, “hi, tamaki. sorry for coming unannounced, but i think i left my pencil case on your coffee table when we were playing pictionary with mirio and nejire.”

“oh.” tamaki was almost too panicked to process what you just said but once he did, he immediately recalled the moment he noticed that you had left behind your pencil case. at the time, he planned on calling you to ask if he could drop it off at your house, but his nerves got the better of him and he decided to keep procrastinating the call until he completely forgot.

though, if he remembered correctly, the pencil case should be lying on his desk after he moved it there in hopes that the convenient location would remind him to return it; which it evidently did not.

“yeah. uh, i’ve got it. i’ll just go get it.” his face tingled with warmth slightly as he retracted it from the doorway, resulting in him finally realising how cold it is outside. in fact, since the eaves of his house shielded you for the climate, he didn’t even notice that it was snowing!

the polite bone in him got to work before the rest of him could react, as he blurted out, “come in, make yourself at home.”

fuck! i mean, it’s not that he doesn’t want you in his house — quite the opposite actually — but rather now he had to dart off to his bedroom before you could catch a glimpse of his sweater. but at least now this gave him an opportunity to change into something less embarrassing.

closing the door behind you, you were now left alone in tamaki’s living room. your eyes followed his figure as he dashed towards his bedroom, “odd.” you murmured to yourself. you weren’t exactly tamaki’s BFF but you were close enough to him that you could tell when he was acting weird.

but you didn’t think to much of it. actually, you were slightly grateful for this weird spike in tamaki’s behaviour because if he doesn’t want you around, that just means you are less likely to overshare and catch feelings, which means better outcomes in the long run, right?

after changing into a plain blue sweater and collecting your pencil case, tamaki strolled into the living room and handed it to you with a weak smile, “here you go.” he almost whispered, patiently waiting for your response so he could mentally prepare himself for goodbyes or another hour (or so) of conversation.

“thank you!” you basically squealed, pulling off your bag to stuff your pencil case back inside. while adjusting the straps on your shoulders, you took a moment to appreciate tamaki’s familiar attire, “oh, i love your sweater; i have a similar one with a cute little octopus on it.”

tamaki concluded that neither of you would be saying goodbye for a long while.

“thank you.” he responded with a soft smile, folding his arms over his chest as he made his way towards the kitchen, “um, so how are you?” he inquired, assuming that it was a pretty harmless question that would simply help get the conversation off the ground while he prepared tea.

“i’m good. but i don’t think i can say the same for my progress report.” you said with an awkward chuckle, standing aside as you watched tamaki put the kettle on. “and how are y--”

“what do you mean?” tamaki asked, disregarding the fact that he didn’t answer the question himself. although, simply put, this was because he found that conversation came more naturally to him when he was with you; or perhaps that is a slight overstatement. he tended to be more curious and inquisitive when talking to you and it wasn’t hard to tell.

until now you and mirio simply brushed it off as tamaki’s interest towards the support course, since you were the one who manufactured most of his gear. yet nejire always teased him as she believed that tamaki’s interest was caused by a different sort of passion.

nevertheless, regardless of tamaki’s motives, you still found yourself consistently answering his questions, “eh, well, i’ve just not been performing as well as i hoped.” you replied plainly with a shrug.

“is that all?”

no matter how many questions he asked, each one still managed to catch you off-guard. “um,” your throat ran dry, which might’ve been a sign from a deity to stop talking, but your swallowing was your way of proving that you did not care. although you will probably regret it later, talking with tamaki always relieved you.

“well,” you started, the lump in your throat growing by the second, “i guess i have a bit of trouble focussing in some classes too. but i mean, maybe it is because i drink too much caffeine? i’m not even sure to be honest.” that was lie, you were  90% sure of what the problem was, but you wanted to hear tamaki’s response before you proceeded, to determine whether he’d be open-minded about it.

“there is no such thing as too much caffeine.” he joked, handing you a cup of tea while he sipped on his own. “so it’s probably something else.”

he’s too good. it’s as if he knew you were withholding information.

“well,” you began once more, trying your best to appear clueless, “i guess moving helps me focus, but no once else in the class does it so wouldn’t it be embarrassing if i was the only one?”

“i don’t think it would be embarrassing at all.” he spoke softly, leading you back into the living room and offer you a seat on the couch beside him, which you graciously accepted. “but if you think it is, then i have something to help.”

before you could say anything, tamaki got up and headed towards his bedroom; leaving you to drink his heavenly tea while he searched. though, only a few minutes passed before you felt his arms slither over your shoulders to hook two clips together by your neck.

“there.” he said with a proud smile, “this is one of my cloaks that i use in my hero costume. you can tie it together so it covers the whole front half of your body.”

observing your reflection in the blackened TV, you smiled upon seeing for your own eyes that everything he said was true. it was like wearing a cape that goes around your whole body, and it had a nice hood! “wow, this is so adorable!” you cheered, then paused, “but how is it going to help me focus?”

“well, you can do whatever you want underneath it and no one will notice.”

ignoring the shady implications of that sentence, you moved your hand around underneath the cloak and he was right! no one would see you fidgeting underneath the cloak, and hopefully the professor’s voice would cover any sounds you made. plus, it looked pretty badass.

“this might work! are cloaks included in dress-code?” you joked, but you weren’t laughing for long as you turned to look at tamaki who was wearing an upset expression with his head hung low, “no.”

“oh.” you sighed, unclipping the cloak and handing it back to tamaki with a slight smile, “it’s fine. thank you for your help, and the tea. it was delicious, but i’ll probably have to start cutting back on the caffeine.” you gave it a chef’s kiss yet he didn’t even chuckle like he usually does. it was almost scary how your true emotions reflected onto him, as it seemed like the whole atmosphere had changed.

“(y/n).” tamaki uttered with a much more serious tone; eyes filled with determination yet trained onto the cloak in his hands. “you shouldn’t be embarrassed-- or at least, I, um, don’t think you should be.”

your eyes widened at how sternly he said the first part; granted, he became flustered when it came to the second part, but it really showed you how firmly he stood by what he was saying. you nodded for him to continue as he looked like he still had a lot on his mind.

“it’s unfair that you have trouble focussing because of what other people think. so my two cents is that you should do whatever you need to do, and, um, not care about other people... well, i mean, you should care about them, but just not what they think about you. because like, you can’t really control that--”

he found himself having to abruptly shut his mouth to stop himself from prattling on any further. especially since most of what he was saying was probably none sense that he mistook for inspirational, or at least that is what he gathered from the shocked look you wore; it was ironic how humiliated he was.

“that’s nice to hear.” you hummed, a kind smile gracing your features in place of the previous stunned expression, “though it’s hard to believe coming from someone as cool as you, tamaki.”

“cool?”

“yeah.” you chuckled, rolling your eyes at his baffled look which he must have been faking. surely he knows how highly thought of and respected he is throughout the whole school. he is in the big three, for fucks’ sake! “there is probably a better word to describe it, but you are one of the most badass people i know.”

“badass?” it was as if all he was capable of doing was repeating these words to you with an innocent yet confused gaze.

“yes!” you enthused, “so, is there anything you even have to be embarrassed about?”

“i do!” he almost whined, and without thinking, he stormed to his bedroom only to grab the sweater he cast aside earlier to show it to you, “look! an octopus sweater, isn’t this embarrassing?”

you deadpanned, unsure as to whether he was joking or not. “stimming is very different from a octopus sweater but go on.” however after a few moments of actually analysing the design on the article of clothing, you exclaimed, “oi, i have that exact same sweater! how is a cute little octopus embarrassing? plus, it would be extra cute on you because you have tentacles.”

in a moment of frustration and wanting to prove a point, he threw the sweater aside and began to sheepishly grab at the ends of his sleeves, “well, you know what’s even more embarrassing? having a crush on someone for three whole years and not having the balls to ask them out! and on top of that, being to nervous to return my crush’s stuff after you left it at my house.”

you weren’t sure if he meant to switch out ‘my crush’ with ‘you’ on purpose or if he was just confused. either way, you found yourself leaning in to wrap the poor boy in an overdue embrace, smiling against his chest as he hugged back. “that was..” you faltered, allowing tamaki to interject with “mortifying” but you were quick to correct him, “i think that was a very unique way to confess, and i'm just glad you did.”

your chuckle that followed was left to echo around the room as tamaki stood still and silent, simply enjoying the comfort in your arms as feeling the pleasure of time escape him. until eventually he whispered close to your ear, “so since i know more about embarrassment than you thought, will you take my advice now?”

you snickered, gently tracing shapes onto his back, “i was going to take your advice either way because if i don’t get good grades and remain in the support course, how will i graduate with you?”

“good point.” he hummed, not-so silently enjoying the relaxing sensations near his spine, “but we are not wearing matching octopus hats.”

how did manage to shoot down your idea before you even proposed it?

[cyla]

CONGRATS ON 100!!! you deserve so much more!! can i please request a yandere alphabet with akutagawa? <3<3

Yandere Alphabet with Akutagawa

Warnings: yandere themes, physical abuse, isolation, obsession, please tell me if I missed anything

AHH thank you so much, you're so sweet!!! Please send me more of these, they're so fun to make!!! I'll definitely be doing more alphabets in the future!!! 💕💕💕

Affection - How do they show their love and affection? How intense will it get?

Okay, baby Aku isn't that good at showing emotions. Much less love. So, to show his affections, he does rather strange things. He might bring his darling the most random objects that he'll think his darling might like. Such as a cool shaped rock idk lmao. Or, he could just kill someone who was annoying his darling. I don't think he would really engage in anything physically himself. Or not until very later on. So I don't think he'd get very intense at all. He's more of a blushy boy I think.

Blood - How messy are they willing to get when it comes to their darling?

Oh very messy. He doesn't care who he has to kill. Nothing is getting in the way of him and his darling. Absolutely nothing.

Cruelty - How would they treat their darling once abducted? Would they mock them?

I think he would be a very isolating yandere. He would take away most rights from his darling, locking them up and chaining them to something so he has a piece of mind that they won't can't escape. And I don't think he'd mock his darling at all!! He isn't one for joking anyway.

Darling - Aside from abduction, would they do anything against their darlings will?

He would most definitely kill off any pesky family members or friends that get in the way. And I feel like he'd tell his darling too. He'd say something like, "I am going out to kill ___. Stay here." And then come back with blood all over him. He would also lock his darling up and make sure that they see nobody but him 24/7. Also punishments of course.

Exposed - How much of their heart do they bare to their darling? How vulnerable are they when it comes to their darling?

On the inside, he bares all of his heart to his darling. But he would hate for them too see that. He tries his best to hide it, he really does. But that doesn't really work. But his darling notices little slip ups here and there.

Fight - How would they feel if their darling fought back?

He would feel betrayed and hurt. Dazai betrayed him and left him, so you would do the same!! He also gets angry and lashes out at his darling. Yelling at them with almost tears in his eyes.

Game - Is this a game to them? How much would they enjoy watching their darling try to escape?

No. Not at all. His love for his darling is never a game to him. And he would never even give them an opportunity to escape.

Hell - What would be their darlings worst experience with them?

Probably if his darling ever said that they hated him, he would get really mad. He would probably physically punish his darling, beating them until they're batted and bruised. But after, when he's calmed down, he would regret it and maybe apologize to his darling.

Ideals - What kind of future do they have in mind for/with their darling?

He wants to be with his darling forever. He doesn't have an intrest in family, he just wants a life long partner that he can safely trust. Baby trust issues.

Jealously - Do they get jealous? Do they lash out or find a way to cope?

He gets jealous all the time!! He tries to solve the problem by locking his darling away. But before that, he would totally lash out at the person, killing them brutality in front of his darling. He would turn to his darling and when he sees the fear in their eyes, he's scared he'll start crying. He hates seeing his darling so scared of him. :(

Kisses - How do they act around or with their darling?

Distant. He hates how he loves his darling so much. It's like he has a constant pout on his face. He wants to touch his darling so bad, but he doesn't know how. :((

Love Letters - How would they go about courting or approaching their darling?

He would drug them and kidnap them. Effective, efficient, and easy

Mask - Are their true colours drastically different from the way they act around everyone else?

Not really. I mean, nobody in the Port Mafia would pick him to be the love crazy type, so I guess? And he is very strict on keeping his darling a secret from the rest of the Port Mafia. He would be embarrassed.

Naughty - How would they punish their darling?

Physically. It's really the only way he knows how to. He tries his best not to overdo it, but sometimes if he's really mad, he'll get caught up in it and regret it later.

Oppression - How many rights would they take away from their darling?

Basically every single one. Nobody but him can see his darling. Nobody can text them. Nobody can think about them. They can't think about anyone but him.

Patience - How patient are they with their darling?

He tries so hard to be patient. But sometimes, he doesn't really understand why his darling is so scared of him. And if his darling manages to push the right buttons, it's really easy for him to loose his temper.

Quit - If their darling dies, leaves, or successfully escapes, would they ever be able to move on?

He would also try so hard to move on. But he can't. The Port Mafia would notice too. He would be even more closed off. He would lash out at people for no reason. He would never be able to move on.

Regret - Would they ever feel guilty about abducting their darling? Would they ever let their darling go?

He would always feel guilty about abducting his darling. But he quickly talks himself out of it. And he would never ever ever even think of letting his darling go.

Stigma - What brought this side of them?

I think because Dazai felt him, he tried to fill that void with his darling.

Tears - How do they feel about seeing their darling scream, cry, and/or isolate themselves?

He hates it. He hates it so so much. Especially when it isn't supposed to happen. He understands how punishments can bring his darling to scream, cry and isolate themselves. But if it just happened out of the blue? He would try anything to fix it.

Unique - Would they do anything different from the classic yandere?

I feel like he actually loves his darling. Or he tries to. Or he has tricked himself into believing this is love. Very apologetic but also not? If that makes sense lol.

Vice - What weakness can their darling exploit in order to escape?

Probably if they put on a good enough act that he has made them so mentally unstable, he'd panic and send you to the doctor and his darling can probably escape there.

Wit's End - Would they ever hurt their darling?

Yes. Only for punishments though.

Xoanon - How much would they revere or worship their darling? To what length would they go to win their darling over?

Anything and everything to win his darling. He is obsessed with them. He would risk everything for his darling.

Yearn - How long do they pine after their darling before they snap?

A good while actually. He is so confused as to why he is so fixated on you, and he would like to know why before he kidnaps you. Probably a good six to nine months.

Zenith - Would they ever break their darling?

No. He loves his darling for them, not some emotionless, broken toy. He would be very careful not to break them.

[rikiflowers]

being enough; levi

genre: angst and fluff

warnings: cursing 

- 3.6k words; Levi Ackerman x female reader; college au  

you just want to be with him

You were tired. Not only were you sleep deprived for-you don’t actually how long- ages, also your mental health wasn’t in a stable place. Your constant fear to fail in every area of your life, does the rest. You were so tired, that you only lay in your bed, your eyes kept staring on the ceiling. It was pitch black in your room; your head sunk into your many stuffed animals. You were glad that your roommate was never here. She snucks out to her boyfriend’s place, so you could be for yourself. You sigh, hearing loud banging and bass boosting music from 2 rooms next to you.

 It was always like this, so you got used to it, but today was an exception. Anger bubbles in your body. Couldn’t they be doing drugs and loud music at some other time, when you’re not like this? The void seems to consume you and you wished you could fill it; with him. You knew it was just sex, but your heart yearns for more, than he could ever give you. But you got along with this, feeling your body getting number with every shared kiss, every thrust and every intimate moment, which isn’t real.

You flinch as you heard your door open. For a second you thought your roommate was there but as soon as you hear his voice, your heart begins to flutter. “Why’s so dark in here are you vampire?”. He states, without a sign of a joke, but you knew it was. You don’t reply, instead you just lay there. You forgot he was coming to your place.

“You dead?”, he snaps at you, while he makes room for himself on your bed. I wish, you wanted to say, but instead you sit up, loop your arms around him. You buried yourself in his defined chest, feel his heartbeat through his hoodie. “What’s up?”, he asks confused, because he never seen you like this, and you could tell he’s a little overwhelmed with the whole situation. His hands grab your arm, pushing you just a lightly away.

 “Will you fucking tell me what’s up or should I guess?”, he groans annoyed and his tone, you’re normally used to, scatter salt in your open wounds. Right now, you were too sensitive, everything you want is just smelling his scent that calms you down, usually. Right now, you can’t find the peace you desperately looking for.

“Fuck you.”, you mumble, avoiding his eyes. He only scoffed. “I came here to have a little stress relief and now you’re the one making a fuss huh.”, he coldly says, and it hurts. You fucking know. You both are just parties who fuck, nothing more. You fling his hand away. “Go.”. You didn’t want to say this.

He stands up, without a word and you’re hurt. You want to scream at him, tell him how you want- What do you want?

“Text me when you’re not being a brat.”, he adds and you’re about to throw him out of the window. The door shuts loudly, making you realize what just happened. In a blink of an eye, you frighten away the only one you wanted to keep. You kept staring at the door, hoping he would come back, but his wouldn’t happen. You and Levi were just fuck buddies. Noting more nothing less. It was a secret, you told nobody. Not even your shared circle of friends. You were professionals to keep it a secret.

You realize how you fucked up. What did you expect? That he would graze through your hair, kiss your problems away? You didn’t even want it yourself so why were you so desperate for this kind of affection? Levi wasn’t this kind of person, so were you. That’s why it was never complicated; Until now. Until feelings got in the way.

You curse under your breath, keeping the damn tears, not worth of escaping. You ask yourself what just happened.

 …

“I’m fucked.”

Hanji lets out a frustrated sound, their head banging loudly in the table. You’re petting your friend’s head and Erwin lets out a low chuckle. “How often did I tell you to study for this test?”. Hanji growls and you and Erwin exchange gazes. You stretch out your arm, snapping his holy chocolate drink away from him. “Hey, that’s mine?”. You only grin at him, open his favourite drink and taking a delicious sip. “That’s for being a bigmouth.”, you only say and he only scoffs, but gifts you a cheeky smile hat says, ‘payback is bitch’.

“Hanji, let’s study next time okay? If you pass, I’ll give you 10 packs of your favourite gummy bears- “. You couldn’t finish speaking, because Hanji suddenly clings on you, like you’re their personal saviour, robbing the air out of your throat. “How could I deserve a best friend like you?”, they cried out, the whole canteen was looking at you. “Shithead, they’re looking at you.”

A new voice appears. It was Levi and your mind went automatically blank. After the last not so well proceeded meeting, you didn’t speak to each other. A whole weekend has passed, and you weren’t sure how to act. How did you act before? Why was this so hard now?

“Shorty shut up.”, Hanji spats cheekily, while the man only scoffs, takes his seat next to Erwin. You stare onto your plate, not sure what you’re doing, but you felt his eyes for a split second on you, covered under the attention of your friends. You felt your cheeks burning. Damn your body kindly betrays you.

You felt a rough hand on the back of your hand. You knew it was Erwin’s. “Everything’s alright?”, he only whispers, unheard for the others. You look at him, gave him a reassuring smile, that says ‘don’t worry’

You felt his blue eyes bore into you. He doesn’t believe you, while should he? He knows you better than everyone and yet you lie to him, without missing a second. While you two are having a silent argument, the other two doing their duty to insult themselves. They’re friends, actually, even when it doesn’t look like this. What you don’t register are Levi’s glimpses he gave you. He doesn’t want to admit, but his mind found itself at he thought of you and Erwin and he doesn’t like it. You’re not acting like yourself and he secretly wants to know the reasons behind it; But he’s too afraid to ask.

“You want to meet up at the library for the next assignment?”, Erwin asks you and you gladly go along. Studying with Erwin was always calm, organized and precise. You did actually get work done (different with Hanji).

“When?”

“After today’s class and after our study session I treat you your favourite pizza.”. You smile. “I love you; you know that?”, you let out, wanting to smooth your best friend right now. “Hey, what’s with the lovey dovey?”. Hanji speaks up and you only cringe. “What the fuck?”, you’re letting out and nearly fell from your seat. Hanji and you laugh so loud, that you were entertaining the whole area, but it doesn’t matter.

“Erwin did you hear this?”, you choked out, between your laughs that are actually looking painful, because of your tears escaping your eyes. He heard and Levi did too. Suddenly the raven-haired stands up and leaves, without looking at you. You were instantly quiet, followed with your eyes the disappearance of him. It prickles in your chest, because you promptly thought you did something wrong. “Huh, what’s with him?”, Hanji asks, instead of you. Erwin only shrugs. “He didn’t tell me.”, he only adds, leaving no room for more discussion.

You had the sudden urge to follow him; But you knew it was out of question. Levi wanted it to be a secret between you two. You aren’t even sure if this what is between is still there. Being anxious wasn’t even a term. You decided to text him after your study session with Erwin, hoping he would reply.

 ….

Why couldn’t you be so focused like Erwin who looks like the god himself, studying with no break and then he explains everything so nicely to you? How is he even real? Your head feels so heavy, lying on your arm, while Erwin buried himself in the books before him. 

You smiled, while looking at him. Sometimes there was a little voice in your head, asking why you couldn’t have developed feelings for him? He was perfect in every aspect, he cares, and you knew he had a crush for you long time ago. You loved the silence, and the library was the perfect place for it. Just very few students gather in these halls.

“You’re sleepy, y/n.”, the blond states, earns a mumbling from you. “no, I’m studying.”, you answer, and you hear him chuckle. He ruffles trough your hair, ignoring your pouting, while his finger slightly massaging your scalp. “I don’t know drooling on the books is supposed to be studying.”. Instantly you’re straightening your back and wipe the evidence away. “I’ll grab some coffee and then I’m fit for use. You want some too?”, you ask him, while standing up. He waves and you’re making your way.

You hate that you can’t think straight. The situation with Levi nibbles on your nerves and you couldn’t handle these feelings well, already feeling unease in your stomach. You head out of the library, to go to the vending machines, standing some meters away on the side of the library complex. The sun was slowly setting, and you paused for a while. It was nearly 4 pm and the glow was nearly perfect. The sun feels so nice on your skin that you’re nearly drowning in this moment, completely forgetting your environment.

“Oi.”. You snap out of your daydreaming and the first thing you see was him. Levi, who looks like he actually wants to murder you. It wasn’t his normal stern face; he doesn’t seem in the mood at all. “Hi?”, you reply, feeling already giddy. It was his effect on you. You were already on your knees.

“You could at least tell me your feelings before you fucked with me.”

Your eyes wide, unable to process his statement. “Huh?”, was everything that left your lips and he just scoffed. His expression changes. He looks just dead annoyed and kind of arrogant. “Don’t play with me.”.

You didn’t know what he means. “Levi, I don’t get what you mean?”, you seriously tell him, and you feel how you feel your body tremble.

“Oh, you don’t know that you and Erwin have something going on I was just a side thing?”. He finally speaks and you couldn’t believe what he just said.

“I am fucking right and now go to him, he’s waiting.”. Levi turns around, but you were quicker. Ignoring his hateful gaze, that bores into you, you’re blocking his way. Your palms lie on his chest, feeling his rapid heartbeat. “you’re an idiot, Levi.”.

“now you’re calling me names. How low.”, he snarls at you, took your hands and threw them away from you. You were a little taken back from his sudden action. “I don’t have anything going on with Erwin. I never had. If you had listened to me, you would know that it was you.”, you finally breathed out, what you always wanted to say; But too scared to do.

“always you.”, you added this in the storm of your feelings. For a bliss you looked into Levi’s grey eyes and then you ran back into the library, leaving him there. Levi is just standing there, in the middle of nothing and totally dumbfounded. He couldn’t handle what you just said. Why did you run away? Levi’s body tell him, to chase you, to ask you if this was true. He really wants to know, but instead of doing so, his body freezes, unable to reach out to you.

Why did he come here in the first place? He assumed that you had feelings for the blond. He watched him, slowly grazing through your hair and he was about to break every knuckle of Erwin’s hand. He had no entitlement to be actually jealous, but he couldn’t stop. He just saw you as someone who’s only there for him. It was out of question for him. He didn’t even have someone beside you. So, when he felt that you’re not like yourself anymore, your eyes miss the sparkle, every time you two are together, he was sure that you liked someone; Not him.

And here you were, telling him with your whole chest, that you like him? Him? Out of all the people that admire you? Levi wouldn’t commit to it loudly, but something in his brain always told him, that he didn’t deserve you at all, not you. When both of you made out at the party month ago, Levi couldn’t believe, that it’s really happened. He was on the constant brink, he could wake up and you’re not laying next to him, your warm skin brushing against his cold one. Now his nightmares were real. He fucked up. He fucked up so bad. You were bare before him, shouting your feelings at him and on the other hand Levi was too scared, too coward to admit.

You were running into the library. You didn’t know where else to go. You just want to leave the scene and him. Erwin instantly notices. His head peaks up, while you try to remain calm; But you couldn’t foul your best friend. He didn’t need to ask where your coffee is or why you had taken so long- He knew. “Let’s get out here, common.”. 

Erwin was a pure angel. You couldn’t speak. Every try you would take; your tears would flow. He grabs your bag, insisting to carry it, while you’re looking like a lost sheep. The blond lead you out of the building and you’re hoping, Levi wouldn’t be there.

You can’t even bring yourself to look around, your eyes are fixed on the ground. “He isn’t here, y/n.”, he reassured you and you could finally breathe. “Erwin, I- “. Instantly tears escaping your eyes and you begin to sob uncontrollably, not finishing your sentence.

“I knew.”, he starts, and you look up to him. You could tell he was disappointed. “I thought you or Levi would tell me, so I waited.”. He sighs, ruffling through your hair, like he always does, and it soothes you a little. “We aren’t in a relationship, I doubt there would be something after this.”, you spoke, feeling your whole body tremble.

“After what?”.

“I confessed my feelings to him, I shouted them, and I ran.”, you answer, and you see Erwin’s little smile, creeping on his lips. “Huh?”

“Why you’re smiling like that?”, you add, waiting for an answer. “You two are unbearable. Thinking we wouldn’t sense something. You two really thought, we were that dense.”

“Hanji too?”. A chuckle was his answer and now you were dumfounded. It was so obvious for them and they kept quiet the whole time? “I hate you both.”, you spat at him with reddened eyes. “We love you too.”. You shove him playfully away, earning a laugh. “I can’t believe you.”, you shout annoyingly. “It’s so damn embarrassing.”

“I found it quite entertaining.”. You punch him. “Anyways it’s over now.”, you breathed out, feeling the tight knot in your heart. “I don’t think so and you know that.”, he interferes. You couldn’t reply to him. You don’t want it to be over. There was this huge misunderstanding between you two, that needs to be solved. He was never a side whatsoever. He was always your first priority, while you were questioning him; To think he thought the same, was draining; to say at least.

“We’ll see.”, was the last thing you would say for now. “I heard you’ll invite me to pizza.”, you changed the topic and Erwin kindly goes along. “I don’t know, when I ever said that.”. Whines left your lips, because he would now play with you. “I have receipts you said that!”, you pout, and he just laughs, leaving the university complex with you.

You knew he would treat you pizza.

….

It was exhausting, draining and everything that is sucking out every last energy you have. Avoiding Levi. It wasn’t your best move, but you didn’t know how to face the older one. Even if you see him in a distance, his raven hair peaks through other people, you ran away. Even Hanji couldn’t believe you two, calling you “lovesick teenager”. You punched them, every time.

Erwin was still around Levi and you were glad he does. They were also friends and you don’t want them to separate, just because you couldn’t talk this out.

“I’m so bad.”, you mumble, with your face buried in your arms. Hanji chuckles. “Looks familiar.”. You groan, wanting nothing more than a good portion of sleep; Forever. “y/n, it isn’t so bad, you can compensate this mark with…”, you don’t listen to them, because it wasn’t just the bad mark that’s on your mind. Your heart aches and it gets stronger, each time you refuse to gain some bravery to speak to him.

“I just wan to see his face…”, you whisper, and you expect Hanji to laugh at you, telling you to ‘just-go-see-him-it-isn’t-that-hard’, but instead there was silence.

“Then why you’re running away from me, woman.”

The first reaction to his voice, was to say ‘fuck’ and you heard Hanji laugh. Fuck. Why was he here, right in front of you and all the others who are watching? Your heart seems to jump out of your chest, while you’re desperately trying to find a way out.

“please go.”, you whisper, not facing him, because your face was red like fire. “No.”, he simply says, and you finally raise your gaze. He stands right before your desk, looking down on you and you feel yourself instantly drawn to him. You hated his effect on you.

“Everyone is watching, you don’t like that.”, you spat, harsher than you want. Why couldn’t you just think straight for once? Levi only scoffs, his hoodie hanging loose on his defined body. “Stop this bullshit y/n and please let us talk.”. Who was he to call this? Why were you so in a mess, that you see his behaviour as provocative?

“I- “. You don’t know anymore. Maybe it was your pride speaking, not yourself. Everything in you was burning, not knowing how to handle the situation well. His eyes soften, ignoring the staring gazes of the others in the lecture hall. “Please.”. The soft and kind of desperate tone in his voice shift something in you. “When?”.

“Now? I heard it was your last lecture.”. You couldn’t decline. You just couldn’t; So, you only nod, excuse yourself from Hanji, who only smiles. You ignore the others, following the man, you’re so deeply in love with, outside. What should you say after your confession?

“Are you free to grab a tea?”, he quietly asks, while you two are heading out of the building. You just nod, having trouble to find the right words.

It was empty on the floor, only your footsteps could be heard. “y/n?”, he breaks the silence and you looked at him. “Can’t you please say something? I- I ‘m not used to you not talking.”, he demands and both halt. Your eyes bore into his. “and I’m not used to this.”, you reply, mentioning his different behaviour.

The mood was tearing. “I know.”.

“but I want to apologize for being such an ass, accusing you of something, just because I couldn’t face my own insecurity of not being good enough for you.”, he breathes out, while his eyes are focused on something else, not looking at you. You could this was difficult for him. His ears were red, not hidden form his silky, black hair.

“Why in the world could you think something like this?”, was the first thing that left your lips. Levi, the most wanted man on the campus was afraid of not being good enough for someone like you? You could only imagine how deep his insecurities root and a part in you always want to discover them.

“The evening, when you left… I was desperate to have you. I just wanted you to hold me, to tell me you’re here and you left.”, you came clean and he looks ropey. It makes your heart ache so much, that you just want to hold him.

“I was anxious, that you want to end things. I misread and I am sorry.”. You sense that he was really sorry. He confesses his feelings out here, not caring for someone to overhear it. “Thank you.”.

Your answer surprises him and you see him searching for words. “I should thank you, y/n. For loving someone like me.”.

That gave you the rest. You instantly found yourself into him. His arms wrap around your frame, drowning you into his scent, you were missing so much. You take a longs exhale, feeling his racing heartbeat against your ear. “you are an idiot.”, you muffle against his hoodie, feeling tears prickling again. He chuckles low, kissing your scalp softly, while his finger grazes over your back. This was more than you could ever ask for. Just him.

“I’m trying y/n okay?”.

You only nod against his chest, squeezing into him more, until you become one. There was more to talk about, but that’s for later.

[tirednerd2012]

Ian Missing, Part 2

Hey, guys. I changed my mind about the video timeline. The last one will be sent on Ian’s birthday rather than Barley’s.

Good news: they had taken the straps off his bed. Bad news: Barley was constantly under surveillance and not allowed to leave until he was deemed mentally stable. How on earth was he supposed to be stable when his little brother was out there, alone and hurt? With a fucking lunatic?

Oh, and more bad news, it was now day 6 of Ian missing. But he was supposed to be okay with that?

Barley groaned as he sat up. The stitches from the bullet were healing nicely at least. His mom said she would see what she could do about getting him out once he healed more, because deep down she knew there was nothing that was going to stop Barley from getting to Ian.

He couldn’t focus on anything else. He knew he loved Ian, but he didn’t imagine it would be this hard. The idea of never seeing his brother again, which he heard the police tell Colt outside his hospital room was a legitimate possibility, drove him insane. Ian. What on earth would he do without him? What would his life be like without him?

His mind wandered back to when he was clinging to life a week ago. He heard Ian’s voice. It was so broken and desperate, like he blamed himself for something he should have known Barley would do. He admitted he thought he was a mistake, that he should have never been born. Barley always tried to see the good in things. He always tried to look at the positive side, but what good was left in this world if it really took Ian from him?

He didn’t plan on going back home. Not only was it hours away, but he didn’t think he could handle the idea of going somewhere that Ian wouldn’t be? He wouldn’t be upstairs doing his homework where Barley could occasionally hear the chair move because Ian would fidget when doing his essays. He wouldn’t hear his laugh when Blazey came in his room and jumped on him. He wouldn’t hear him tell their mother how much he loved her. He wouldn’t see Ian in his room. Ian wouldn’t be coming into his room just to see what he was up to or just because he wanted a hug.

None of that would be home for him, and he knew that. He felt like he was missing his half. Like a huge part of him was missing and there was nothing else but that thing that could fill the void in him. He couldn’t just pretend like everything was fine. He needed to find Ian.

Nothing was going to stop him.

“Barley? Hey,” Colt said, as he knocked on the door to the hospital room. His stepfather came in and sighed. “No luck yet, but we’re getting the state police involved. Hopefully get a federal investigation going soon.”

Barley didn’t respond.

“I talked to your doctors. Said you haven’t really been talking or eating much. If you want something other than hospital food, I can go get it,” Colt offered. “Whatever you want.”

“If I get better, can I join the search?” Barley asked. Colt hesitated before sitting down beside the young man. “I know Mom doesn’t want me to, but you both know I’m going to with or without your permission. Might as well try to be on the same side.”

“I am on your side,” Colt said. “I know I don’t always seem like I am, but I want Ian home, too, and I won’t stop until we make that happen.”

“Then am I going with you or am I doing this on my own?”

“I’ll let you go with me, but first I need to see that you are in the health to do this. I know you want to find Ian and Kirk. I know what you want to do to Kirk, and truthfully, I plan on looking the other way. Ian is the only thing that matters right now. But I need to know, before I send you out in a dangerous situation, that you can handle it.”

“I’ll do whatever I have to. Like you said, Ian is the only thing that matters right now.”

Colt sighed and stepped out of the room. Barley didn’t care if he was being difficult, he just wanted his little brother back.

His phone buzzed and he glanced down and saw a video message from an unknown number. He opened it and a video of Kirk appeared.

“Hey, Barley, how’s it going? Hope you’re still alive, otherwise this video is going to be a little awkward,” he said. He was sitting in a chair, and he had the same smirk Barley wanted to wipe off his horrible face. “Don’t worry, I’m taking real good care of your little brother. I would have sent this video awhile ago, but I wanted you to sit there and worry. I imagine you’re losing your mind now that I have your little brother in my possession.”

“I fucking hate this guy,” Barley grumbled, feeling a horrible sick feeling in his stomach. The video changed to Ian, in chains, somewhere Barley couldn’t recognize. His brother was physically shaking and trying to fight his way out of the chains that held him there.

“Your brother is hardly in the condition to do anything, and even if he was, no one is going to find you, Ian. No one knows where you are, and no one can hear you scream. This attic is hidden, and we are nowhere near your home,” Kirk told him, and pulled up a chair by his struggling brother. “Don’t you understand? I won.”

“No, you haven’t,” Ian snapped, bitterly.

“Why? Because your precious big brother is still out there? Because he’s going to find you?” Kirk asked.

“My brother is twice the man you’ll ever be. You know that; it’s why you’re so afraid of him,” Ian said, fiercely and with passion. “He’s going to find me, and I’d hate to be you when he gets here because whatever you do to me is nothing compared to what’s coming for you.”

“I think he’s the scared one right now,” Kirk responded. “After all, he’s not around. And you look so small in those chains.”

Barley noticed Ian was in clothes way too big for him. He continued to struggle, but Kirk just seemed to be enjoying the game. That’s what it was to this bastard, a game. And he would not stand for it for another second. He was going to rip this guy’s head off his head first chance he got.

Kirk got up and ran his hand through Ian’s hair. Something Barley does to comfort his little brother was now being used against him. But Ian did something Barley didn’t see coming. He spit in Kirk’s face.

The older boy backed away for a second.

“Don’t touch me,” Ian demanded.

“Guess you’re about to learn the hard way,” Kirk snapped and then beat Ian. Barley had tears pouring down his face at the sight of his younger brother on the ground, gasping for air. Kirk knelt down and started playing with his hair again. “You’re never leaving again Luke. I’m never letting you escape again.”

The video cut and Barley sobbed again. He couldn’t stay here. He didn’t care about his injuries. He didn’t care if this killed him. He was going to get his brother back and he was going to do it now.

He ripped the cords off, ignoring the sound of the machine running wild. Colt rushed in and Barley shoved him away and ran past the nurses and doctors, until suddenly his entire body stopped. Everything in him burned and shut down at once. He hit the ground.

Weeks went by. A week turned into a month. Barley had tried to escape the hospital so many times he made his health worse. He didn’t care about that. All he wanted was to find Ian. No one could find any signs of him. The police took the video Kirk sent him but found nothing from it. Who the hell was Luke? Figuring that out could make all of this faster.

Eventually, they started sedating Barley regularly so he wouldn’t keep making himself worse. His mom was in and out, but he was asleep most of the time she was around. He felt her play with his hair or hug him, but everyone was worried that he would snap.

Ian couldn’t remember a time he was in so much pain. Kirk started to use a shock collar to control him, but at least he wasn’t in shackles anymore. He was getting enough to survive, but he honestly didn’t even want to eat. He wanted to curl up and just die because that would be so much easier than the hell Kirk were putting him through.

“Well, well, Ian, guess what? It’s been a month. An entire month and your brother still isn’t here,” Kirk said. He didn’t bother glaring. He didn’t feel like being shocked. Kirk had the same smirk he’s had all month.

“You’re lying.”

“Really? Look at the date, smart one,” Kirk responded, holding up his phone and Ian saw the date. July 18th. Barley was taken to the hospital June 17th and Ian was kidnapped the following day. It had been an entire month. And Barley wasn’t here.

For a split second, he wondered if anyone had given up. If Barley had stopped looking.

“Now, are we ready for practice today?” Kirk said and brought out Ian’s staff. He handed it to him and then put his hand on the remote that controlled the shock collar. Then he brought out a box that had a dead mouse inside.

“What do you want me to do?” Ian snapped.

“We’re going to bring it back to life,” Kirk responded.

“I can’t bring things back to life,” Ian said. His mind wandered back to Luke. Over time, he managed to learn that Luke was Kirk’s little brother. He frequently called Ian Luke, especially when he was drunk, which was more often than it probably should have been. One of two things. Either Luke was dead, now seeming a lot more possible, or he ran away and left Kirk. But now he was starting to gain an understanding of what really happened.

He tried to keep his voice steady and watched his words carefully as he spoke next. Maybe, just maybe, he could break through to Kirk.

“Why do you need me to bring something back to life?” he asked, gently. The older boy didn’t answer. “Kirk, it’s not possible. Everything happens for a reason and some things can’t be changed. I’m sorry, but I can’t do that.”

“You will.”

“I can’t. It’s not possible.”

“That’s Barley talking. He refused to get you to your full potential. He was too soft on you.”

“You’re just jealous of him,” Ian snapped. “My brother is twice the man you could ever hope to be. He doesn’t need to use fear to control people. He cares and he is a good person.”

“If he cares so much about you, then where is he? It’s been a month. I have beaten the absolute shit out of you, shocked you and if you don’t bring this mouse back to life, you’re in for a lot worse. He’s not here because he doesn’t give a shit about you.”

“You’re wrong.”

“Am I? Then where is he?” Kirk snapped, then shook his head. “Forget it. Just bring the damn mouse back to life.”

“I can’t.”

“You will.”

“No, I won’t. I don’t know who Luke is, but I’m not bringing him back. Even if I could, I’m sure he’s suffered enough as is and I won’t bring him back just so you can hurt him all over again,” Ian snapped, and Kirk became quiet. He didn’t say anything as he snatched the staff out of Ian’s hands and left the attic. He returned a few minutes later with a small pot of boiling water. He splashed the water all over Ian’s stomach and arms.

Everything burned. Ian howled in pain and collapsed, curling into a ball and prayed for some kind of relief.

“You don’t know anything about Luke. And you’re going to bring him back whether you want to or not.”